Checking in on Donald Trump and sometime friend Elon Musk
By Michael O’Looney
The following is a pirated excerpt from the last recorded conversation between President Donald Trump and his former friend and largest campaign donor Elon Musk.
Trump: Well, Musty, you’ve done a fair job slashing funds from all those liberal programs that have bled us dry for the past thirty years.
Musk: It’s not Musty. It’s Musky — I mean Musk.
Trump: Oh, you mean like tusk? You know, those things that hang from an elephant’s snotter.
Musk: I know what a tusk is. I’m from Africa. And I don’t know if I want you calling me Musky either? I’d like a little respect. After all, I spent $288 million to help elect you.
Trump: You going to hold that over my head for, like, forever? Look, pal, you got to dance on stage with your jigsaw —
Musk: Chainsaw.
Trump: And ogle the ladies or do whatever you like to do with young girls. And I never said anything about all the drugs. You got the spotlight, even taking it away from me sometimes. And Musty, I’m not sure that’s the way an underling in my administration should behave.
Musk: Underling? You cannot be serious. I could buy you a thousand times over. When it comes to making a quick buck I’m the GOAT!
Trump: Sure, whatever you say. Always so sensitive. But as I was saying. We need to slash funding for NPR. Now I hear a lot of people like “Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me,” and “Fresh Air.” … Don’t see why. But NPR and PBS just feed my people a lot of woke trash.… So — where was I?
Musk: Haven’t a clue.
Trump: Try to follow my train of thought, will you, Lonnie?
Musk: (Lowly) Among all the things you ask me to do, that may be the most challenging.
Trump: I’ll enact an executive order and stop funding left-wing media. Heaven knows, I have enough critics. And those brain-dead, late-night comics — Colbert and that halfwit Kimmel, well, don’t get me started. I wonder if an executive order will allow me to censor their monologues.…
Musk: But, like you said, a lot of people like public radio, and if you shut down NPR hundreds of rural radio stations will be forced off the air. We’re talking about your electorate.
Trump: No one listens to the radio. Actually I’m thinking of doing a series of Fireside Chats like that Demo demagogue FDR did during the Depression. Speaking of which, with all these high tariffs, a slowed-down economy, people selling short in the market and nobody buying Teslers, you think we’re in line for a depression?
Musk: How the heck would I know? I’m a stranger in this country. As you were saying —
Trump: You know, I like what you did to these climate warming numbskulls — terminating tax credits for clean energy, putting an end to those restrictions on carbon emissions. Doing away with all these environmental regs, well, it’s about time. Regulations just strangle the free enterprise system. And we saved $4.7 billion by cutting back on funding the Department of Energy and all that research they’ve been doing on renewable energy and climate change —
Musk: Well, you know, slashing $15 billion in funds for clean energy research, including the government subsidies I got for developing Tesla, my real love child, well, that’s not something I particularly like. As it is, people are not buying my cars.
Trump: Electric fans, Lonnie! Just think about it. When it gets hotter, people buy fans. Why not start manufacturing electric fans?
Musk: It’s been done.
Trump: Seriously? So like I said, you wanted to cut the budget by $7 trillion. They’re telling me your DOGE has only proposed $2.2 trillion in cutbacks.… That’s not acceptable. Look what I did with AmeriCorps. Sent those kids packing and saved the taxpayers $400 million.
Musk: Well, lot o’ people think those are the kind of people America needs, you know, kids who are doing what they think is right to make America great.
Trump: Bunch o’ bonehead English and art history majors. What we need are more biz ad grads who know how to make a buck, not spend it.
Musk: Your goals in reducing the national deficit are not realistic.
Trump: Look, amigo, you cut $3.5 billion from the National Cancer Institute. Why not eliminate cancer research altogether? And you’re proposing cuts of $48 billion from the National Institutes of Health — why not double that? You don’t go far enough, never do, never will.
Musk: I’ve cut $163 billion in overall spending on nondefense programs. I think that’s pretty good considering.…
Trump: I can see I need to enact more executive orders.
Musk: And bypass Congress. I don’t think that’s wise. I hear some of our Republican tools — I mean congressmen, are worried you’ve gone too far, too fast. They think you’ve become a radical, a champion for change for the sake of change.
Trump: Nonsense. They think what I tell them to think. Hey — I got an idea how to save billions. All I got to do is terminate all the government subsidies and contracts I’ve given to your imploding rockets and gasless cars. Speaking of which, coal, gas, oil, the real energy stuff is back in full swing now that I’ve reversed all those environmental regulations.
Musk: You’ll bust me. You want to do that to the guy who got you elected?
Trump: Give me a break. I got myself elected.
Musk: Well, that Big Beautiful Bill you’re proposing is so much poppycock. Tax breaks for higher wage earners than those at the bottom, while making it more difficult for low-income families to qualify for Medicaid, child tax credits, early childhood education, even the free lunch program for inner-city children. It’s … it’s mean-spirited.
Trump: Cry me a river. All those social services programs are bleeding me dry. You’re sounding like one of them bleedin’ heart liberals, Lonnie. And I can’t have that, not in my administration. You’re fired!
Michael O’Looney lives in Talent.
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