A look back at events that will stand out in history — or whatever

By Chris Honoré

There’s something about the last days of December that’s strangely compelling, this brief period when we reflect on the months past, for some a mixture of regret and satisfaction and anticipation while we await the beginning of a new year. Of course, there’s that familiar avatar, Father Time, with his long, unkempt white hair and long beard, frayed robe, sandals, and holding that signature, ominous scythe. We get it. Ultimately, time is all we have.

So, in that spirit, let’s take a moment to give a quick glance over the shoulder at 2023.  

From the FYI department: According to a nationwide poll of parents with teenagers, most emphatically agreed that the rejoinder “whatever” should be forever banned. However, pause and consider the fact that in 2023 there were more young people alive than at any time in history. And there’s this: The total world population reached 8 billion.

Regarding climate change and fossil fuel:

• U.N. Secretary-General Antonio Guterres suggested that global warming should now be referred to as “global boiling.” The Northern Hemisphere broke countless records with extreme temps, in oceans and on land. The words “existential threat” often come into play. America’s Congress: “Whatever.”

• The Endangered Species Act turned 50. Honeybees are reportedly making a comeback after three pesticides were banned. May Earth’s other struggling species follow.

Best Effort department:

• Russia’s first-attempt Luna 25 lunar landing craft, absent any crew, crashed on the moon. Whoops. “Clean-up on aisle 6.”

• NASA identified the four astronauts for the first trip to the moon in 50 years. Flight engineer Jeremy Hansen called shotgun.

• And speaking of astronauts, Buzz Aldrin, the second man to step onto the surface of the moon, turned 93 and got married. Prepare for liftoff.

The By-the-Way department:

• Vinyl exceeded CD sales. Your turntable or mine?

• Charles ascended to the throne wearing royalty haute couture. Love the hat.

• The FBI publicly confirmed that COVID-19 probably came from a lab in Wuhan, China. Who picks up the check?

• The International Criminal Court issued a war crimes arrest warrant for Vladimir Putin. No identifying mug shot, but they know where he lives.    

From the 2023 You Can’t Make This Stuff Up department:

• “Fine, let’s go through this one more time. What’s AI?”

• “Okay. But this is the last time, so pay attention. OpenAI — the company, right? — released GPT-4, an upgraded version of their AI chatbot.”

• “What?”

The Moving Right Along department:

• The FDA gave Elon Musk the go-ahead to test his Neuralink brain implants on humans. Volunteers? Anyone?

• Midsummer 2023, all the rage was going to the cinema and watching the films “Barbie” and “Oppenheimer” back-to-back, creating a five-hour marathon called “Barbenheimer.” Popcorn optional.

• In late August, Donald Trump was the first former president to have his mug shot taken. “Lights, camera, wait for it.… Ah, Mr. 45? Let’s go for really ticked off. Perfect. That’s a wrap, people,” T-shirts to follow.

• Kim Jong Un, slightly paranoid dictator of North Korea (he’s the short, pudgy guy with the really bad haircut), closed out the summer with a visit to Putin of Russia. His preferred mode of transportation: a very retro, tricked out, armored train. Nice ride, Kim. And you use what to run errands?

Suspend Your Disbelief department:

• Willie Nelson, turned 90 and is still on the road again, touring. Did I already mention Buzz Aldrin? I’ll have what they’re having.

• Last summer in San Francisco it was reported that two driverless taxi companies were granted permission to operate 24/7. “Take Market Street. It’s faster … or not.”

• Is there anyone out there over the age of 18 who can explain Taylor Swift’s stupendously successful Eras Tour cum film? I mean this is about more than a guitar and a song, right? I can imagine Swift, like, for sure, sighing deeply, shaking her head, and saying, “You so just don’t get me.” Yep, that would be right.

Last Word department: All best wishes for 2024. And buckle up. It will be a ride.

Email Ashland resident Chris Honoré at honore307@gmail.com.